No matter what comes back in a path result…there’s a certain peace that comes over you when you finally know what it is. Good or bad…you have answers and with answers comes peace.
Call me crazy, but the moment I heard Dr. Carroll say “it was malignant” was one of the more peaceful moments I experienced through all of this. The moments leading up and the days after were a different story along with the days afterwards. I so wish I would have chronicled those times, but I was honestly too afraid of what might come out. I still don’t like to sit too long thinking about those days in fear that I might feel those feelings again.
Our generation is so closely tied with our parents generation where hearing the word “cancer” means you’re going to die. So in the days of waiting and the hours following the results, all I could envision was myself in a hospital bed with no strength and no will do anything. I basically just saw myself withering away and just wanting it to end so I didn’t have to watch my family hurt and suffer at the thought of me not being around anymore. I understand those are morbid and quite scary thoughts, but it took me days to understand that was not the reality of my circumstances. It took me days to realize that my body was healthy (other than healing up from major neck surgery) and that I was (Lord willing) still going to get to experience pregnancy, childbirth, birthdays, marriage anniversaries, a career and all of the other things I’ve been dreaming up for the last 28 years.
I was flooded with questions in my head like why did a CT, and MRI, and a needle biopsy all confirm that my tumor was benign when it was in fact cancerous? Why was this happening to me at 28 when I’ve barely been married 2.5 years, when we had been thinking about starting a family, and only 2 years after Mom had been diagnosed? Why had no one paid more attention to this knot in my neck for the last 7 years since it had shown up?
You get the idea. I was a mess. But the more I thought and the more I cleansed my soul with tears, the more the Lord reassured me that its supposed to be that way. I was supposed to go into surgery knowing it was benign because my little heart couldn’t have handled going into surgery knowing that I had let something dangerous live inside of me for that long. He knew I needed the excitement of getting it out to carry me into that operating room with peace and a feeling of security.
And so what we’ve only been married 2.5 years. A lifetime with him wouldn’t be enough, so no matter how long the Lord gives us together, it will never feel like long enough but each day is more than enough to get me through the hard times and to make me feel loved in a way I never thought was possible just 5 years ago. As I sobbed uncontrollably, he held me close and found a way to make me smile through my tears. When I asked desperate questions, he gave me answers that only the Lord could have spoken through him. And when I struggled to find the strength to get out of the bed or off the couch as I existed in the darkest fog I’ve ever known, he picked me up and steadied me until I could walk to our swing in the back yard for some fresh air which I desperately needed. He bathed me, told me I was beautiful every single day, and he was simply my angel.
I’ve also bragged on my mom for her strength and her determination through he treatments the last few years and I’ve said I admire her because I don’t know what I would ever do if those words were spoken to me. It’s truly amazing what the Lord prepares you for. Watching Mom power through everything she did has given me strength on so many days to know that I can too, and I thankfully don’t have to face half of what she did. I will admit I was mad at God that our family was being faced with this again, but I also have peace in my heart that the Lord allowed me to be Mom’s right hand girl through her treatments and that He brought her through it happy and healthy so that she could be there for me through mine. How could I continue to be mad at God knowing He healed my mom for many reasons, but in this moment He healed her so she can be part of my comfort on Earth.
So yes, path results are for peace. Mine scared me quite a bit, but knowing is less scary than the unknown, and it gives you the opportunity to attack whatever you’re facing with appropriate action and feel good about it. I’ve made it to a place of peace. Back to the immediate peace I felt when I heard from Dr. Carroll but also more of a settled peace. A peace knowing the Lord has me and I’m going to be perfectly ok. Thank you, Jesus!