My goodness. Looking back at all the life we’ve truly lived since our trip to Hope Flower Farm is absolutely incredible. That trip was truly life changing for me. It beautifully wrecked every part of me and pieced me back together at the same time. And for the first time since surgery, I’ve finally experienced the normalcy I’ve longed for in so many desperate moments.
While this month hasn’t been without fear and the usual scanning and testing, the Lord has shown me peace for the moment and granted me continued healthy checkups.
Just in 2018 alone I’ve seen my general practitioner, a neurologist, a neurologist-ophthalmologist, a pulmonologist and I’ve had some sort of scan nearly every month in relation to these appointments on top of my normal follow ups scheduled every 2 months with my radiation oncologist and my surgeon.
I’m perfectly healthy. No cancer, no big issues, and I’m living happily with only small residual symptoms, seemingly from my treatments, that may or may not resolve. But that doesn’t mean every day feels like sunshine and blue skies.
I want to crawl in a hole of utter embarrassment when I think back to how many times I’ve actually thought I had cancer again and how many silly “symptoms” tricked me into thinking that was the case…which gives reason to all those recent appointments I listed off above. It’s insane, and I’ve reached a point where I’m comfortable admitting that. I completely lost my mind somedays.
Life after cancer is simply hard to describe. It’s different. It doesn’t feel like it used to. It’s like going to war and coming home thinking that there’s still a chance you may step on a claymore. It’s scary when it’s supposed to feel somewhat safe, and it’s unexpected on all accounts. No one sees cancer coming, much like the soldier that doesn’t see the land mine buried beneath the soil…until it hits them…HARD!
At the core of the issue though is my thoughts, as obvious as that may sound. The battlefield of the mind is far more dangerous territory than the battlefield of a often deteriorating physical body. And as so many have told me, attitude is everything. The devil is just relentless in finding ways to distract me from this normalcy I’ve found lately.
So in my newly found normalcy, I’ve worked extra hard on squashing scary thoughts immediately and not entertaining the scenarios that I could very well play into. I’ve learned how to handle the little whispers in my conscience and stay on track more effectively.
I have to stay in the moment or I’m sunk. I have to replace the lies with truths that I’ve found in the Lord’s word. And I have to remind myself that where I’ve been is not always totally indicative of where I’m going. That was a season and seasons change.
Glanda (or Goneda) has big plans coming up soon and it’s going to take continued normalcy and a joyful attitude to get there!
So here’s to praying myself silly and believing that normal is my new normal.
Onward and upward!