I fail to find the right words for this year so often (if there is such a thing) but here I am again writing stuff and throwing it out into the public like it’s different from all the stuff i’ve already said. The timing of little blessings like happening upon the words above on the last day of a hard year remind me of the Lord’s sovereignty and that on my darkest days, He is the best comforter, the God of peace, protection, promise, and perfection. And yesterday is not who I am. I get a fresh start and a clean slate every, single day because of His grace and mercy.
So as we officially send 2017 off and welcome 2018 today, I have a few things on my heart that I want to share with you:
Cling to faith
Since I rededicated my life to the Lord around this time in 2012, I can’t say I’ve had a bigger faith struggle than the last 6 months have been. I’ve tried to rationalize with things that are very clear in scripture, and I’ve let the devil get a hold of my thoughts and wrestle me to the ground more times than I can count. I’ve questioned God’s protection over my life and His purpose I’m certain He has for me. I’ve let fear totally overwhelm and own my days to where I’m paralyzed to carry out my purpose if I could even see past the fog to find my purpose that day.
It’s been hard. But I know I let it get to these circumstances at times instead of standing firm in scripture, dressing myself for (spiritual) battle daily, and reminding myself of the truth constantly. My heart loves the Lord just as much as always and I truly feel like He will use the tiny of bit of cancer that grew in my body to stitch me closer to Him this year, but He’s already taken that step. It’s up to me now. And Lord knows I need it.
The point is faith is the only thing that saves us. And it saves us daily if we let it. No matter what, start each day seeking the Lord’s face, the truth in His word, and the good He promises to his children.
Look for the good
Find the good in a cancer journey? Yep. 100%. I can come up with hundreds of things, people, places, and experiences cancer has afforded me that I know I wouldn’t have experienced others as well as people I met and places I went well before diagnosis that have folded in perfectly into this journey. And I know there are more to come. It’s more than obvious that the Lord has had His hand in this and has been preparing me all along. That’s where hope lies. Between the dr’s appointments, the scans, the memories, and the occasional tears, there are lives that need to be touched, stories that need to be told, and blessings that need to be given. And Lord willing, He will open my eyes to those things, point me towards those people, and show me His good in every moment.
Let the Lord change your definition of good this year also. Good isn’t what you want or what you think you need. Not even close. Good is what the Lord sees as the best for you in that moment from His sovereign perspective. Just let that seep in for a minute.
Accept change and pruning
This year is starting off much different than the last. Our plans have changed for what we hope the year will bring, our dreams are different, our people are different, and our goals are different. While I know that every year starts off differently regardless, it seems we have less constants this year than many others.
Some changes this year have been harder than others. Plans we had were forced to be rescheduled teaching us (again) that the Lord is sovereign. People were pruned from our lives, some intentionally and some unintentionally, that we know have enriched other friendships we have, including the one we have with each other. And of course the obvious changes in health have given us a run for our money.
So learn to go with the flow a bit more. Accept when things fall apart…better things are most likely coming. Shift your focus. Take a step back and gain a different perspective, and willingly take the road you thought you wouldn’t every now and then. You might be surprised the peace and happiness you’ll find.
Everything changed July 6th this year. There’s no denying that. And actually the real change happened when I married my K.T.. God knew I would need a helpmate for more than just every day life. He knew what we would face and that K.T. was the best to face it with me. And he has lived up to that and more. He’s lifted my chin, carried me on his back, taught me how to laugh again, and hugged me tight when my heart got overwhelmed and I couldn’t do anything but cry. When I say I couldn’t have made it without him I mean it and when I tell you he’s still helping me through each and every day post-treatment, I mean it.
There were unfortunately days that went by that I was exhausted to the point that my precious K.T. didn’t get his needs met, but the way I’ve seen him rise up as a man, a leader, a caretaker, a husband, and as my glimmering angel on earth has deepened my love to depths I didn’t know were possible.
I will spend the rest of my life loving that man as unapologetically hard as I can. And same goes for my friends and family. More hugs, more time spent together, and more sappy love notes to come. People are our purpose, yall. Make yourself a little more vulnerable and love them with all you have. It will make all the difference in the world.
So for 2018, it’s onward and upward as usual. Lots of faith, goodness, change, and love to come. Continued health, clear scans, and abundant blessings!
Happy New Year, friends!