This post has nothing to do with our wedding, but those pictures remind me of happier days and days where I felt beautiful, healthy, and 100% like myself.
I struggled far more in the last 4 days than I care to admit, but I have to admit it or I’m not going to be able to move past this. They told me from the start that I wouldn’t notice any difference until around the end of week two. They told me that this kind of radiation is really hard. And they told me that it would be painful. As day 9 came, it started. But I wasn’t ready. I was for sure that none of that was going to happen to me. I was too young, too healthy, and too feisty to accept weakness and feeling like crap through this.
I’ve been in a funk. I’m inconsolable at times. I’m grumpy, and no matter how logical and wise the encouragement, I’m too stubborn to see past the thoughts that are swimming circles in my head. And I know better. I know that all of this is for ultimate healing. I know that each treatment is one step closer to being done. I know this is a temporary season in my life and it will be over before I know it. I know that the side effects are minimal compared to the ultimate gain of this process. And I know that I’m stronger than cancer, radiation, and anything else that could be thrown my way, but I feel so incredibly helpless through this so far.
Radiation is one of those things you have to just sit back and watch. You can’t do anything to prevent what’s coming. You definitely can’t stop the side effects once they start. And you have to understand that your body is going to crumble a little before it ever has the chance to get better. You will feel like garbage from your body working at least 2x as hard to repair the damage to bad/healthy tissue that each fraction destroys. And you will feel like the light at the end of the tunnel is a pinhole sized speck that is roughly a hundred miles away.
But it’s not. And things will get better. They will.
The further I get in this journey, the more I’m learning that this is definitely not about my physical health and that things are and will constantly be changing. Once I get used to one thing, something else is welcomed in (and I say “welcomed” lightly). One day I wake up and feel like I could conquer the world and the next day I wake up and I can’t stop crying for feeling so frustrated that I don’t feel like myself and the end feels forever away.
So all that to say that this is getting a lot harder, and I’m sure plenty of people are whispering “I told you so” behind my back and that’s ok because I’m still going to make it. I’m still going to find a way to get through each day and take one day at a time.
Because today I’m alive. The Lord woke me up again, so that means I have purpose on this earth and there is someone I’m supposed to bless today.